Finding Peace in the Stillness

Meditation.

Darkness.

Alone in a room.

Complete Silence.  

An empty calendar.

 

Sounds wonderful to many, but for myself, each of these trigger panic.  From a young age, activities and noise felt safer than being alone.  As a teenager I participated in every activity or club, partially because I wanted my list for senior year book to be as long as possible, but mostly to avoid the darkness of my own thoughts.  Now as an adult, opening my calendar to an empty day immediately creates an uneasy feeling.  I feel lost if I'm not volunteering, working , or helping others.  Some call it people pleasing, some call it being an over achiever, others call it high functioning anxiety.  I'm not saying there isn't truth to all these statements. However, the honest answer is during times of calm and quiet, the scared little girl within me who struggled with feeling good enough awakens in the stillness. 

 

 Somewhere in the midst of creating a life and building a career I became so obsessed with making sure I made a difference for others and leave this world a little better that I completely neglected making sure I allowed myself time to enjoy my own life.  In fact, allowing joy in my life feels scary because I'm waiting for the next crisis, or next person to betray me.  I worry about hurting others, or disappointing them.  I worried that our sons Autism, or our miscarriage, or our infertility struggles were because God was angry with me.  I struggled feeling worthy of my husband's love and always felt not good enough for anyone. These feelings could be hidden when I stayed busy.  In fact, somehow, I felt if I just did more, worked harder, helped more people...I would finally be enough.  The reality, none of it was ever going to be enough.  

 

Now bare with me....I realize many reading this may think "Wow, this lady needs some help!"  Well, if so...you’re right!  I did need help!  Thankfully, my journey with finding that help has allowed me to teach the scared little girl that peace and joy can be found in stillness.  With this peace also comes the reality that I am Enough! 

 

Working on the frontlines of COVID, and now over two years later working with patients daily I realize I'm definitely not alone.  The isolation and stillness of quarantine has made many people realize how hard quiet can be!   I find now, many people are struggling with their own insecurities, traumas, and fears.  

 

Please don’t try to do it alone.  I recommend seeking a therapist or your primary care provider to start with.  While our spouse, friends, or family are great confidents they are emotionally attached to us.  Their criticism hurts us, and for myself, I felt confiding my fears was just one more reason I wasn't good enough for everyone and ultimately a failure.  Professionals can help provide tools and feedback in positive, constructive ways.  They can also recommend medications if needed.  Many times to start improving our emotional and physical health medications can jump start the process.

 

Start small.  This doesn't have to be an all or nothing approach.  Begin with a family dinner with no electronics.  Or maybe sitting on your front porch for 5 minutes.  Read a short devotional each morning or go for a 10-minute walk.  Work up to booking a massage or 30 minutes in a salt room just relaxing with deep breaths.  As these activities become more comfortable the longer times you can commit to them.  These activities lead to the big steps....saying No. Declining an invitation. Not answering messages right when they come in. Limiting activities or commitments. Leaving blank spots on the calendar!  This felt terrible for me in the beginning, and still I catch myself feeling guilty and selfish.  

 

Now, let's be honest, I still burn the candles at both ends and my calendar contains many events.  However, now there are open spots with absolutely nothing planned! Even better, there are spots on the calendar that I now excitedly look for encouraging the stillness in life!

 

I look forward to the family vacation where I plan to sit on the beach and breathe in the ocean breeze.  I look forward to listening to my children laughing in the next room and talking about our days over dinner.  I look forward to the evening when there are no activities and we can just sit on the couch.  Sometimes, in the darkness of night the worry and anxiety creeps in.  However, now I can take the feelings of joy and love I have found in the stillness and remind that scared little girl she is enough!  She can make a difference in this world!  She deserves the peace found in the stillness!  

 

I hope those of you reading this can find ways to create and enjoy stillness in your own lives!  I also hope if you’re struggling with any of this you can take my personal story and realize you’re not alone, you’re not crazy, and you’re not broken!  It's ok to admit struggles and seek guidance and help with conquering them!  

 

God Bless,

 

Holly Legg